Since my Mother passed away on August 31st I've been lucky that my life hasn't changed too much, which I was so afraid of happening. God has been so good to me. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately too. I've pushed a lot of people out of my life whom I never wanted to leave at all and I'm very sorry for that. Many don't even know that I've lost my Mom as they have blocked me or will not accept my friend requests again. I'm truly feeling that loneliness now as I hardly have anyone to talk to on a daily basis or to spend time with as I'm one that needs to keep my mind busy so I don't fall under all my bad thoughts. What's left of my family do not really listen to me fully cuz they are always in such a rush to leave or hang up the phone. It's just not the same as how my mom always listened to me. This is one thing I miss greatly.
Because of this, I'm really thinking about running at least one game server again. At the moment, I'm leaning towards a KF2 server, but I don't know yet. All I know is that I've always only made friends/gaming buddies whenever I would run game servers. Then again, I know they didn't truly care about me as it was only because they loved my servers. This is why I grew bored of KF1 as I ended up always being alone, especially whenever I tried sharing my feelings with anyone that seemed kinda close to me in game. It either made them run away or use me.
I know people hate drama in friendships/relationships, but honestly... everyone is human and everyone has feelings and as long as that is true then there will always be drama from time to time. If we can't learn to help each other through these times instead of running away or getting super mad and turning something little into something worse... like an argument or breakup... then friendships and relationships will cease to exist. God wants us to love each other. I have always loved people so easily as friends or even lovers, but whenever I really needed love from someone I never get it. This goes for asking for help too. I've always tried my best to help others in any way I could, but if I asked for anything everyone was always too busy or too lazy or just plain out didn't care to help me. It's as if I'm not allowed to ask for help or to receive love from others. The little bit I do get is only after I've begged for it over and over again. Because of this it makes me feel totally worthless except when others are using me for whatever reason. I've even grown to accept being used as this is the only way I can seem to get any interaction from others. Now that I've gotten older, the age difference has become a problem regardless of whether I believe age doesn't matter, but there comes a point with everyone when it does matter more than love does.
Love can conquer all. It truly can if treated right along with having faith in God. People seem to forget this when it comes to friendships and relationships. It doesn't matter the distance or financial situation or even a pandemic. If God is with you He will make a way.